For those classmates fortunate enough to have moved on to greener pastures before a hussy named Katrina graced us with her presence; should you ever start feeling homesick and wish to return, I offer up the following:
Our hometown newspaper, The St. Tammany News, (which used to be the Slidell Sentry News before aforementioned hussy obliterated their offices and forced their move to greener pastures in Covington) presumably in an effort to provide much needed advice and direction as we rebuild our homes as well as our lives, offers up a weekly “How To” section.
A full page is devoted to the topic. And what words of wisdom did this pillar of journalism offer earlier this week?
“How to tie your shoelaces!”
I’m not kidding. You can’t make this stuff up.
But wait, there’s more! Today’s edition provides readers with exactly what we need while we sit waiting for our contractors to arrive – “How to tie a scarf.”
Clearly, these journalistic renegades are jonesing for a Pulitzer but do they have to make it so obvious?
Since we’ve nothing but time to kill in this Gulf Coast purgatory, I decided to have a look see. After all, it’s a new year and as any fashionista knows: the way you tied your scarf in 2006 is sooo yesterday! Plus, I already know how to tie my shoes.
1. Find the scarf you want to wear.
2. Fold the scarf lengthwise to make it narrow & fuller.
3. Fold the scarf again but this time fold it so it doubles over itself.
4. Make sure the ends are even and folded in the middle.
5. Place the folded scarf on your shoulders so that both sides are equal in length.
6. Pull the unfolded side through the folded loop on the other end.
7. (AND THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART) Tighten the scarf to your desired snugness.
(My advice – skip steps 1-6 & go straight to number 7.
8. Put on your jacket and the rest of your layers to battle the cold weather.
And that’s it. I guess you just stand there because they don’t tell you what to do next.
When the Editor of this esteemed publication starts work on “The Cheffrey” – their annual cookbook of recipes sent in by readers, I think I’ll send in my favorite recipe that’s been in our family for generations – “Old fashioned homemade ICE!” Hey, it beats that tacky store bought stuff every time and it contains no trans fats. But then again, it would require that I reveal the secret ingredient and I doubt the readers are ready for that.
Join us next week when the St. Tammany News How To section dealves deeply into another timely topic:
“How To Wipe Your Ass.”
It’s times like these when I find myself unable to get out of my head the words to the old Animals tune; “We gotta get out of this place, if it’s the last thing we ever do.”